Caitlyn Jenner opened up to Bill Simmons on Any Given Wednesday, saying she contemplated suicide at one point during her transition. After having an operation on her Adam’s apple, a part of her body she “always hated,” a paparazzo shot Jenner as she was leaving her doctor’s office.
“I could not sleep that night. I’m up at 3 a.m. walking up and down my hallway, thinking, ‘Damn, all this s–t is going to come out tomorrow and it’s going to be horrible,” she said. “And I said, ‘You know what? Easy way. Go in the other room. You got a gun. Let’s just end it right here.'”
Jenner, who has shared the story before with her family, fans and friends, added, “That’s, like, the easy way out. No more pain, no more nothing. I don’t have to deal with the tabloids any longer. I don’t have to deal with any of this. And that was probably the lowest I’ve ever gotten.”
The next morning, Jenner went for a walk by herself. “Wasn’t that, like, the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?” the star of E!’s I Am Cait recalled thinking at the time. “I thought, ‘What a terrible way to end your life’s story!’ I don’t want my story to end that way, on a negative note.”
“That was the beginning of me turning my thinking around to say, ‘OK, I think I can do this.'”
Jenner told Simmons the past 18 months have been the “best of my life.”
“I have never been happier, more at ease with myself,” she told the host. “I got my mojo back.”
“Going through this, I have renewed my excitement for life. My life today is so interesting, so simple. It really is so simple!” she said. “I was in Vegas the other day—I had to give a speech—and I used to go to Vegas for years and years and years, and I liked to go to Vegas because I could sneak around. I could go to my hotel room, dress, cross-dress, actually go out and walk around. I would never talk to anybody because I knew my voice would give me away, and I never got caught. I could go out and just be myself and just walk around. But I had two suitcases. I’d have to talk the nail polish off, then put the nail polish back on. My life was so complicated, you know? And I’m struggling with all these issues. This time I went to Vegas, all I had to do was take one suitcase. I go downstairs, I get dressed, I get ready, I go down and take a few selfies with people through the hotel, give my speech, live authentically. It was so simple!” (www.etonline.com)